Copyright 1999 -- Robert Baer Jr. 

The Renegade Files - "White House Visit"

PROLOGUE

>This is the story of a superhero, The Computer Renegade, as told through
>the eyes of his faithful bionic German Shepard Otto.  Disguised as
>Accountant Nathan Lovejoy, the Renegade and his friends fight a never
>ending battle against crime, injustice and danger.   This is yet another
>entry from Otto's 'personal' log.
>
The Renegade Files -- "White House Visit" 

Today would be a very special day.  A few weeks ago, the President made an
announcement that the Computer Renegade and his team would be awarded the
Congressional Medal of Valor today.  Nathan and Wanna were busy putting on
their costumes while Samantha and I summoned the other members of our
group.  The Computer Gila Monster, refusing to wear a three piece suit,
did compromise by wearing a loud necktie with his black leather jacket and
bluejeans.  Xeren Zzoom, before putting on his "Mr X" outfit, went out to
the stable and scrubbed down Starlight, she wanted to look her best for
the President and his staff.  When the seven of us were all assembled,
with a loud BOOM!!!!   we arrived at the front lawn of the White House. 
Secret Service agents greeted us and soon frisked us all for weapons. 
They let the Renegade and Melitta keep their black boxes, but I thought
we'd have an international incident when the agents attempted to frisk the
Gila Monster.

"Hey yous twerps!" the Gila Monster yelled as he swung his 2 x4 over his
head," Git your grubbing hands off of me!"

"Mr Gila Monster," one of the agents explained,"we must search all of you
for weapons, it's routine!"

"I ain't got no weapons on me," the Gila Monster growled," except my
favorite 2 x 4 here and you ain't gitten it!"

"I'm sorry, sir," one of the agents said sternly," but we still have to
check your body for ..."

"Yous goons ain't touchin' me!" the Gila Monster protested,"I'll shows ya
I ain't got no gun on me!"

In a matter of seconds before anyone could stop him, the Gila Monster had
undressed himself down to his jockey shorts.  The Secret Service Agents
examined his jacket, pants and shoes thoroughly.  

"HEY YOU GOONS!" the Gila Monster shouted,"WANNA LOOK AT MY JOCKEY SHORTS
TOO?"

As the Gila reached down to his elastic waistband, the Renegade took him
by the arm and shook his head.  

"Hey, Renegade!" the Gila Monster said in rage,"I was gonna MOON these
bums!"

"That's no way to act in public!" the Renegade said looking rather
embarrassed,"we're about to meet the President of the United States!"

"I don't care if he's the King of Miami!" the Gila Monster growled,"these
Secret Service goons are making me nervous!"

"Just get your clothes back on," the Renegade said, trying hard not to
laugh.

"All of you are clear to enter the White House now!" one of the agents
told us,"follow me inside."

All of us walked down a very long and wide hallway, on the walls were many
famous portraits and elaborate tapestries.

"We normally don't permit live animals inside the White House," one of the
agents explained,"but the President insisted that we allow these four pets
of yours to come ..."

"I ain't NOBODY'S pet, jerk!" the Gila Monster growls as he picked up the
Secret Service agent off the ground with his right arm.

"GILA!" the Regenade shouted,"put that man down NOW!"

"Well!" the Gila Monster said angerly,"if YOU say so, my friend."

With that, the Gila released his grip and the agent fell to the floor. 

"We didn't have this much trouble when Yassir Arafat came here!" the agent
mumbled as he stood up and followed us.

"After all this trouble, I hoep they feed us!" the Gila Monster
grumbled,"I ain't had nothin to eat since breakfast!"

"Gila, will you stop complaining?" the Masked Melitta asked,"we're going
to receive an award, remember?"

"I'm SO excited!" Samantha said gleefully,"to actually be inside the White
House!"

"Yes, it is thrilling, I suppose," I said as I looked around,"many classic
works of art are here, over there is ..."

"Hey Otto, knock off the tour guide routine!" the Gila said sternly,"hey
buddy!  How much longer is this here hallway?   A person could git lost in
here!"

"It's not much further, sir," one of the agents responded,"see the light
up ahead?"

Soon we were all led to a huge room and told to wait there.  In a matter
of minutes, President Clinton appeared, surrounded by six Sercet Service
agents and several staff members.

"I wanted to meet all of you personally before the ceremony!" President
Clinton said with a smile,"don't be nervous or anything, but this ceremony
will be broadcast live all over the world!"

"All over the world?" Samantha barked,"knowing that makes me more nervous,
Mr President, sir!"

"Don't you worry none, ma'am," President Clinton said as he petted
Samantha on the head,"it'll be alright!  I love dogs!  In fact, later on,
you can meet my dog, alright?"

Samantha nodded her head as the President shook hands with the Renegade,
Melitta and Mr X.  He sort of stared at the Gila Monster as he shook his
leathery hand.

"Hey Billy, take a picture, it'll last longer!" the Gila Monster yelled.

"GILA!" I shouted,"THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK TO ...."

"Oh yeah, I get it!" the President laughed,"that's a good one, Mr Monster,
may I use it in my next press conference?"

"Well, I reckon so..." the Gila Monster said, looking rather confused.

"That was a close call," I whispered to Samantha,"Sometimes, the Gila
Monster has all of social grace of a wild bull moose!"

"I just hope he doesn't try to moon the President!" Samantha whispered
back.

"Alright, everyone, it's time!" the President said as he examined his
watch,"you seven will be standing behind me, you'll go out there first.  
I make my official entrance in a few minutes.  My staff will lead y'all
out and show you where to stand."

Soon all of us were standing in front a huge crowd of photographers, press
people, and spectators.  I must admit, with all of those humans staring at
us all at once, I did experience that human feeling known as 'butterflies
in my stomache."  All of us were very nervous, except for the Gila
Monster, who simply stood there with the same, blank expression on his
face.  We all became even more nervous when the President made his grand
entrance with all that music and fanfare.  As the President began to
speak, I noticed that the Gila Monster seemed very uptight.

"Hey, Gila!" I barked,"relax, what's wrong."

"Something ain't right here!" the Gila whispered to me,"I can feel it in
my bones!"

As we all stood there listening to the President's speech, no one but the
Gila Monster noticed a brief flash of light in the distance.  He turned
toward the President and saw a very small, tip of a red light briefly
shining on the President's forehead.  Acting swiftly, the Gila Monster
tackled the President just as the first bullet whizzed by.  It all
happened so fast, several shots were fired in a matter of one second, the
Gila Monster's back was hit twice as he knocked the President down and
used himself as a shield to protect him.

"SECURITY!" President Clinton yelled.

"Stops your squirmin!" the Gila Monster growled,"just stay down till my
buddies find the gunman!"

"We need to put a stop to this right now!" the President
shouted,"HILLIARY!!!!   Oh, she's not here..."

"Get your force fields on!" the Renegade shouted to us,"Otto, Starlight,
where'd the shots come from?"

"That white building approximately one thousand feet due east," I
said,"there are three people moving around, they appear to be heading for
the roof!"

"There's a low flying helicopter heading towards that building!" Starlight
added.

"Starlight, get to the roof!" the Renegade shouted,"Mr X, stay here and
maintain a force field on the President and his staff, the rest of you
come with me!"

"Renegade!  The Gila Monster's been hit!" Samantha shouted,"he's over
there huddled by the President!"

"Mr X, call for an ambulance and see what you can do for him, now the rest
of us have to catch the assailants!" the Renegade shouted,"let's go!"

"We're coming with you!" several Secret Service agents said as they ran up
to Starlight and the Renegade just before we activated our black box
circuitry.  Instantly, Starlight was standing on the roof of the building
with a half dozen Secret Service agents, all firing their guns at the
approaching helicopter.

"STOP THAT!" Starlight shouted,"YOU'LL BLOW IT UP!   HERE'S THE WAY TO DO
IT!"

Starlight shot a laser beam out of her eyes which severed the helicopter's
main fuel line, causing it's engine to start choking.

"Now, they'll have to land somewhere!" Starlight said with a smile,"and
when they do, all of us will be there!"

As Starlight and the other watched the helicopter struggle to stay
airborn, the Renegade, Melitta, Samantha and myself (along with about six
Secret Service agents) instantly appeared on the top floor of the
building, surprising the three gunmen, who turned and fired at us.  
Samantha used her collar to quickly erect a force field  as I fired
several laser beams out of my eyes which instantly melted the three
gunmen's weapons before the Secret Service men could fire a single shot.  
The gunmen attempted to run, but with my super speed, I was soon standing
in front of them, growling like a vicious German Shepard should.  They
tried to run in another direction, and once more I was standing in front
of them.  

"Give it up!" I pleaded,"you're not getting away!"

At that moment, the six Secret Service agents, with their weapons drawn,
surrounded the three gunmen.  They tossed their half melted guns down and
threw their hands up.  Meanwhile, Starlight was calculating the exact
place where the crippled helicopter would land.  When she determined the
location, she teleported herself and the other Secret Service men to the
exact spot, and smiled as the chopper landed.  Immediately, the agents
surrounded the helicopter, and the suspects threw their guns out of the
door and came out with their hands up.  Soon, several police squad cars
converged on both locations, and the crisis was at an end.

When the police had all the 'bad guys' in custody, all of us immediately
returned to the podium, where the President was visibly shaken by the
ordeal, but otherwise he was fine.  The Gila Monster slowly stood up and
removed his leather jacket.

"He wouldn't let me touch him!" Mr X explained,"he kept saying that he was
alright!"

"Look at this!" the Gila Monster complained,"them goomers shot two holes
in my best jacket!"

The rest of us looked at him in disbelief.  We all saw him get hit twice
in the back with stray bullets, but he was standing up and walking around
like nothing happened.  I did a quick scan on our reptile friend and found
out the real story.

"Gila Monster," I said with a smile,"would you please remove your shirt so
we can take those stray bullets out of your skin?"

"You mean them idgits actually shot me?" the Gila Monster said in
amazement,"man, I hate it when that happens!"

He took his short off, and everyone (including the President) were stunned
to see the two bullets still stuck on the Gila's back, they had only
peretrated the skin a few centimeters.

"Why are y'all gocking at me?" the Gila Monster growled,"my hide is
tougher than boot leather, it always has been!"

"Pete, Frank!" the President called out,"carefully remove those bullets
out of my dear friend's back!  We'll need those for evidence!"

The press and remaining spectators went wild, cheering for the Gila
Monster and the rest of us.   The President and his aides were then rushed
away from the scene and we were all escorted back inside the Wihte House.  

Later that day we were all treated to a state dinner in our honor.  
Hilliary joined us and couldn't stop thanking us for saving her husband. 
Chelsea flew all the way in from Stanford to see her father, and, to
everyone's amazement, greeted the Gila Monster with a big hug.  

"Y'all didn't have to go and do that, ma'am!" the Gila Monster said as he
blushed in Chelsea's embrace.

The President gave a short speech, praising our bravery and heroism, then
handed the Renegade the Congressional Medal of Valor that he was going to
present to us before.  During the dinner, several members of the press
surrounded the Gila Monster and asked him many questions.  He was too busy
eating to answer most of them, and they all left when he started eating a
huge pile of fried chicken, bones and all, and then proceeded to belch
with every other sentence.   

"So that's how you get rid of the press!" the President laughed.

"HEY WAITER!  MORE FRIED CHICKEN!" the Gila Monster shouted as he
continued to feed his face.

"That.....er.......man has very bad table manners!" Hilliary Clinton said
to Melitta,"but he did save my husband's life!   Is he a Democrat?"

"No," Melitta said,"I don't think he even knows how to vote!"

Soon, the President opened an outside door and let his dog in.  He's a
golden retriever mixed breed canine.

"Like I promised, Otto and Samantha, may I introduce my dog Hunter!" the
President said as he turned to greet his other guests.  Hunter barks
several times and smiles.

"I think he's saying 'well done' and 'thanks' to us!" Samantha whispered
to Otto.

"I do believe you're right, honey!" Otto whispered back.

The rest of the evening was very well, except for when one of the White
House photographers tried to take the Gila Monster's picture during
dinner.  The Gila wasn't looking, grabbed his camera and bit it in half
before he realized that it wasn't another piece of fried chicken.  When
the photographer got upset and began cursing at him, the Gila Monster
stood up, picked up his 2 x 4 and went after him.  Fortunately the
Renegade and Mr X caught up to him in time and calmed him down.  All in
all, it had been quite an experience for all of us.  The Renegade made the
front page of the New York Times, Starlight was on the front cover of
Horse Racing Digest, and the Gila Monster became the first reptile to ever
make the cover of Time magazine.  They were some of many 'souveniers' we
acquired on our first White House Visit.

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